If You Eat A Tide Pod, I Will Kick Your Ass: A Letter To My Children

I’ve known you since you took your very first breath, since you couldn’t open your eyes or smile yet. I made you with my body, and you are my greatest achievement in this life, no matter what else comes to be during my short existence on this planet.

But if you put a Tide Pod in your mouth, I will straight up kick your ass. I’m serious AF.

I’ve taught you how to read, how to multiply, and how to wipe your heinie. I’ve sung you to sleep when you were scared more times than I can count, and I’ll sing you to sleep when you’re forty years old if you want me to. I’ll always be your mommy, and I adore you.

But I swear to god, if I find out you put poison in your mouth for no good reason, I will slap you right back into yesterday so you can make a better decision.

I remember your first steps, your first bus ride to school, and your first fever. I remember when you were nervous to get braces, when you grew out of your favorite shoes, and when you thought the Amazon delivery box was better than the gift I bought you that arrived inside it. We played “airplane box” all day long.

So you better remember the first time I told you that cleaners were poison when you were two should be enough, and if you put a cleaner in your mouth, I’m gonna clean your ass with my foot. Don’t fuck around. Mommy didn’t raise a moron, so don’t go out into the world doing idiot shit and expect to get away with it.

Someday you’re going to be a parent, and you’re going to be filled with this overwhelming love that I’ve been consumed with every day for the last thirteen years, and when that time comes, you will understand so much more about me, and I you. I look forward to that time in our lives, but take it slow and stay with me a while so I can soak in all of the wonderful things that make you who you are.

And don’t you forget for one god damned second that I turned you into a person when you were nothing more than a bundle of cells. I am your creator, and you will not defy me, because I will rain down on your life with the hellfire of a thousand suns if I find you with a Tide Pod in your fucking mouth. Don’t forget that shit.

I love you, always and forever.



PS- I know all of your friends’ parents, and if they pull that idiot shit and try to eat a Tide Pod, I’ll bust their asses too. Don’t you doubt me. Their parents will thank me when I save them the emergency room copay.

 Sammiches and Psych Meds


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