The Wicked Witch of East Yaphank: The True Story of a Horrifying Halloween

A Halloween throwback for your reading enjoyment

It was a dark and stormy night…

Not really. It was a sunny, beautiful day. A family of five had a very specific timeline to adhere to in order to ensure that they were able to see and do everything that they had committed to seeing and doing.


They were two hours late to everything.

The father and son fought wholeheartedly over whether Robin’s Batarang was still called a Batarang, or if it was called a Robirang. The slamming doors and tears were totally unexpected…

The Pinterest tutorial for Maleficent make-up was much more in depth than expected. The child wearing horns may have black eyebrows for the rest of her life.

There wasn’t a single black Tommy gun on Long Island to go with their oldest daughter’s ‘gangster’ costume, and people began asking the voluptuous ten year old if she was a pimp. The term ‘Pimp’ was thus added to her very long list of questions that require very long answers…

The entire family began brawling in a parking lot over whether or not Maleficent was considered handicapped because her wings had been cut off in the movie. It was a shining moment in motherhood and marriage to watch three children and their father scream at each other over imaginary ignorance. Either way, you need a pass to park handicapped, so there was no real need to fight…

Trick or Treating on Main Street was delightful. Uncle Tom had built himself a giant wooden caboose on suspenders, and a certain train conductor started chasing down a woman who was consistently allowing her children to cut in front of her two year old Thomas the Train. There was a lesson in manners to be taught! Get her, Choo Choo Soul!! Needless to say, it was time to go…

There was a lovely visit to Nana’s that included a trick or treater who was friends with Darth Vader wandering into the house and making it all the way to the kitchen…. Surprise! Trick or Treat!

It was time to leave Nana’s, but no visit is complete without a group photo. After an hour of trying, Thomas the Train (tweaking on sugar), Darth Vader (crying underneath his mask because he didn’t want to be in the picture), a handi-capable Maleficent, and The Pimp lined up against the wall for a photo that resembled a group mugshot. While saying their goodbyes, the dog ran from the front door. In an attempt to grab the dog, Nana fell ALL THE WAY into the bushes, and a combination of laughter and horror errupted as the dog was successfully retrieved from the road.

It was time for this family to trick or treat in their own neighborhood, which rarely happened , but was promised that year since Halloween had fallen on a Saturday. About an hour in, all of the children were too tired to continue. Mommy grabbed this opportunity to take a peaceful ten minute walk home, get the car, and retrieve the rest of her family about blocks from home.

It was time to run. The sun had gone down and drive by trick or treating time was about to commense.

The family rode down to Grandma and Papa’s house to trick or treat from them, only to find that they had not had a single trick or treater all day. It was 7:30. The loot grew three sizes at that door. It was a Halloween miracle.

The next stop was to trick or treat from the Aunts. It wasn’t the longest visit, but they made it, there was no fighting, and that’s what counts. Happy Halloween.

This story ends where it ends every year. Mommy’s best friend on the planet for the last 28 years happens to have been born on Halloween. This family ends their annual journey with Aunt Critty and her birthday cake. They all enjoyed some scare cam videos, silly string, birthday cake, and the world series on the tv.

And then it happened…

There was a home made haunted house around the corner, and all of the mommies were heading there for some frightening fun…

Needless to say, this mommy of three screamed horrible profanities in front of other people’s children, then quickly commended them on their commitment to their character. She was truly convinced that a man with a chainsaw was going to kill her in a random backyard in Mastic. At one point she was sure that all of her worst fears were coming true and that the earth was opening to swallow her whole when she stepped in what could eventually end up being a sink hole in that person’s backyard. It was definitely time to visit the cardiologist and purchase heart healthy foods, because she began having heart palpitations, and wet herself just enough to feel guilty for getting back in the car for the ride home.

It really was a great haunted house. They achieved what they set out to do.

Needless to say, it was definitely one of the best Halloweens this family has ever had.

It isn’t always easy, but it is ALWAYS an adventure.

And of course… Happy Birthday to Critty!


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