It’s just like riding a bike, only it’s not.

I can still ride a bike, but guess what? I sit at a desk all day now, and I have three kids that can ride bikes too. A leisurely ride just became very complicated. I used to hop on a 10-speed and disappear for a few hours; Take a ride to the water, go visit a friend. Y’know… fun. It doesn’t really work like that anymore. Here are a few essential elements of weekend quality time bike riding with a large family.

Cup Holder– Necessary for water to replenish my sedentary body at every possible opportunity, because at my current age and weight, all physical activity makes me question my life decisions. Depending on the stress level of that day, I may not be as worried about my heart health as I am about my mental health, and this feature comes in handy for safely transporting beer in a coffee cup as well.

Basket – Yes. I love my bike basket. It holds the phone that I need to call my husband when one of the kids gives up ten blocks from home. It holds the various pocketbooks/action figures/stuffed animals that all really needed to come along ten minutes ago, but have since become a nuisance and require my urgent attention. Also, more beer. Don’t judge me, this shit isn’t easy. Leisure, remember? I love my basket.

Fat Ass Seat – A necessity beyond all others. I don’t know how I used to ride around for hours a day with that tiny banana-looking bike seat all crammed up in my lady parts, but those days are long gone, I’m currently pushing max capacity, and gravity isn’t kind when it comes to resting a large ass on a small seat. The last time I tried to ride on a ‘standard’ bicycle seat I had to stop and sit down on the side of the road halfway through the ride for like… an hour. I don’t mess around anymore. Wide-load cometh, and she brought her giant, padded seat.

Car Anxiety– I fondly remember the feeling of soaring downhill on the street where I grew up. My hair blew in the wind, the speed was exhilarating, and sometimes if I balanced the right way I could let go with both hands and it felt like I was flying. Those days are over. When I’m not over thinking the ever-so-sexy sensation of my thighs knocking into my mom-pooch/beer gut/F.U.P.A. (whichever endearing term you like to use to describe that part of your body where your abs used to be) I am screaming at my children in fear that one wrong turn will end their life. We live in a densely populated neighborhood and I don’t trust anyone not to come tearing ass around the corner and kill my kids. I’m shouting turning directions, formation instructions, “LOOK BOTH WAYS!!! GET TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!! STAY BEHIND YOUR BROTHER! WAIT FOR YOUR SISTER! CAR!!! CAR!! CAR!!” The whole neighborhood knows when my family is going for a ride because it sounds like some sort of horrified drill sergeant has taken to the streets directing traffic. Good for the mind, body, and soul, right?

The Aftermath

My oldest is mad at me because I sang the Wizard of Oz wicked witch song really loud when I rode up next to her, not knowing we were passing the house of a boy she likes at that exact moment. How am I supposed to know if she didn’t tell me?

My younger daughter is in her room giving me the silent treatment because I wouldn’t ride her past her friend’s house to go riding with us because she lives six blocks in the opposite direction of our original destination, and there are too many CARS!! (CAR!!! GET TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD! I SAID GET TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!! CLOSER TO THE GRASS! STOP AT THE STOP SIGN!) over there. She already called her three times today. I am officially the worst mom on the planet.

My son came home, guzzled a 32oz red gatorade before I could water it down, and once the red dye number six hit his brainstem he went batshit on me and started trashing his room and thrashing about from the sugar high. I’m the lucky winner with the sore ass that gets to clean up the mess when he finally crashes.

Ahhh. Quality time with the kids.

#momlife

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12 thoughts on “It’s just like riding a bike, only it’s not.

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  1. This was hilarious! I only have one, but I can totally relate to the issues of being a mom going anywhere with a child. Riding a bike sounds like a hazardous proposition, but I suspect you handle it like a pro. I loved reading this and especially loved the image you chose, since I secretly think I look a lot like that woman on a bike!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There’s so much to love about this, but my favorite part had to be the seat. Maybe because I recently tried a spin class. Any reference to “lady parts” makes me laugh like potty jokes did when I was a kid.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. There were so many funny parts here. I love the mom pooch and yelling at the kids to get out of the road. That would so be me. I’ve often thought about buying a beach cruiser to ride with my kids, but I always think twice. See, we have a different problem – hills. LOTS of hills. I’m not riding a bike with a toddler strapped to the back UP one of those hills. Nope.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes. I love my bike basket. It holds the phone that I need to call my husband when one of the kids gives up ten blocks from home. <– #truth

    Hahah. So many funny parts that I laughed out loud. So much to love in this.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Erin, this was hilarious. “The whole neighborhood knows when my family goes for a ride”, Oh My God, it’s like you’re writing about me. I’m the mom who’s yelling after her 4 year old daughter who rides on the sidewalk, but I’m still worried.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t even help it! I HEARD a car pass by my house too fast today and went outside like a lunatic waving a shoe because my son was down the block riding his bike with his friends. It’s just instinctual 😂😂

      Liked by 1 person

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